the book - first installment

so, this is installment number one in my upcoming book 'tits, ass and the truth'. these installments will be my first attempts at putting together some "real" content. these installments may or may not make it into the final book. please, read and let me know what you think - no holding back. i'm going to pull all this material from my own experiences and observations.

drivers, pedestrians and stupid people

i lived in ottawa for most of my life before i moved to toronto in 1999. traffic and pedestrians in ottawa are a totally different breed than they are here in toronto. i can attest to this because since my move, i have been converted so to speak. but before i get into that, a little background.

getting around in ottawa is a lot easier that it is here. rush hour is practically non-existent, people are polite on the road and pedestrians actually look both ways before crossing the street. on top of all that, ottawa's downtown core is no where near as clogged as toronto's. toronto seems to have a lot more cross-walks than ottawa and to complicate matters, the presence of street cars cause added issues. so naturally, when i moved to toronto it was quite an adjustment for me. i quickly learned what it took to get around on the streets here - and let me tell ya, it ain't pretty.

there are many different types of drivers that i have observed here in toronto. they fall into many categories such as: the speedy lane changer type, the no indicator type, the i forgot to turn off the indicator type, the weave in my lane type, the drive slow in the fast lane type, the pass on the shoulder type, the ride the brakes type, the brake happy type, the fly off the line type, the can't decide to change lanes type, the cut you off type, the slow merge type, the all over the place type, the speed up slow down type, and the list goes on and on... here are my observations on a few of these types that i really can't take.

the 'i forgot to turn off the indicator' type

this is a strange type. approaching this type of person can be quite confusing. you notice that they have their indicator on and naturally you assume they want to change lanes. so, being polite, you give them some space and wait for them to come over. you wait, and of course they don't come over cuz they've left the freaking indicator on from a previous lane change! what's up with that? the brutal part is that when you realize that they are not coming over, you start to pass them and then the decide to cut in front of you. this just infuriates me to no end because you try to be nice and it just ends up making you all mad. the result is that for the rest of the trip every little thing ticks you off.

the 'drive slow in the fast lane' type

every city has this type of driver, but toronto seems to be me mecca for these drivers. clearly, these drivers are just plain stupid. i'm not going to beat around the bush here - they are freaking stupid. sometimes i think these people do it on purpose to make a point but it's a stupid point. people will drive fast no matter what - so just get into the slow lane, drive with the other stupid people going the speed limit and everyone will be happy. there doesn't seem to be a solution to get these people to understand. tailgating them does not help - they don't seem to check their rear-view mirror at all. i've tried it - coming just centimeters away from their rear bumper but no dice. it's useless. flashing the high beams or tooting the horn doesn't seem to affect them either. the only option is to pass on the right, give them the finger, a mean look or yell some obscenity and then cut them off when you switch back into the fast lane. this is most effective - even if you don't need to get into the fast lane - do it. if you can cut them off sharply they usually change back into a slow lane - where they belong. heh heh. but be warned, this may antagonize the other drive and could result in a road rage scene.

the 'drive right next to the streetcar' type

this type is specific to cities that have streetcars. this is a problem that plagues the streets of toronto and i'm quite sure has resulted in many road rage incidents. in toronto, when you are driving on a street that has a streetcar on it, you are not allowed to pass the streetcar when it is letting passengers on and off. this is fine since we don't want anyone to get run over. when the streetcar comes to a stop, you are required to stop behind it and wait for the passengers to get on and off. once they have, you may then continue along and pass it since cars usually travel faster than the streetcars. unfortunately, some people are so stupid that they stay right next to or just slightly behind the streetcar the whole way. this means that they get caught at every stop and have to stop with the streetcar. this always causes a massive pile-up behind the street car since you can't pass. the people that do this should not be allowed to reproduce. this causes such a backup on streets it ain't funny. people get so hot under the collar because the dude up front won't pass the street car. i don't know what it is - are they afraid of the streetcar? are they mesmerized by the streetcar so much that they feel they have to ride next to it and stare at it? it boggles the mind. i'm not sure what the solution to this problem is since you can't cut in front of the offender. one thing you can do is get up on the shoulder on the right side if room permits and let the dude know how stupid they are being. you must, of course, give them the finger and utter a nice curse in order to welcome them to the city - since they just have to be tourists to be so stupid. right?

pedestrians who cross where they should not

this is quite a serious problem - and one i take quite personally. toronto has many, many crosswalks on the streets to allow people to cross safely but these stupid people just don't seem to get it. i've seen people jay walking less than 25 feet from a crosswalk. it makes no sense at all. why would they risk their life when they could safely cross the road just a bit further down. i think it comes down to just pure laziness. when i see people doing this i get really mad. one trick i do that works quite well is to come as close to the person crossing the road without actually hitting them. let them feel the wind of your side view mirror as you go by. it's pretty sweet to see their reaction as you almost flatten them. it's also reassuring when you look in your rear view mirror and see them head back and make their way to the crosswalk. then you know you've done your part for society. it gives me a nice warm and fuzzy. what's more disturbing is when you see a mother with a kid in a stroller doing this. stupid. i don't pull my trick on these people - that would be just nasty. i wonder what kind of parents would do this? are they doped up on smack? are they just stupid? are they confused? senile? i just wanna understand. something similar to this problem is cars that are trying to turn onto the street and edge out slowly. the front of their car starts to protrude into the street and causes people to slam on the brakes. again, my tactic here is to come as close to the front of their car as possible to let them know to back off. it's especially nice when it's a fancy porsche they get really freaked out - it's pretty sweet and you can bet they won't do that again. hey - i'm just doing my part here.

well, i hoped you enjoyed this. i also hope that i have offered you some insight into the minds of drivers and pedestrians here in toronto as well as how i feel about them. it's pretty crazy for sure but every city has their crazy people. toronto just seems to have a hell of a lot of them. feel free to give me some feed back on this and tune in soon for my next installment. heh heh. cheers.